Thanksgiving

I am thankful more many things, but this year I want to give a special thanks to the amazing girls in my life. My friends have been so supportive and loving over the past year and a half since I lost my mom and I could not be more grateful for them. 

Sasha- I am so proud of the woman and mother you have become, you are so strong and steady. You are such a hard worker and a wonderful mommy. Thank you for always pushing so hard for our friendship. I often feel overwhelmed with my life and it is all I can do sometimes to even lift my phone and send a text, but you make sure that we talk and see each other and I am so grateful for that. You are and always will be such a special part of my life. You have know idea how amazing you are, and I cant wait for your prince charming to come along. I love you Sash. 

Ashley- My Ashley distance and time could never separate us, we don't get to visit as much as I would like and we are in such different places in life, but you are such a joy to me. When I am having a bad day all I have to do is look back on some of our high school stories and I smile. Your dedication and hard work along with your ability to have a good time amaze me. You are a rock star. I cannot wait to catch up and laugh for hours on Christmas. Your friendship has truly proven to withstand time and distance and I am forever grateful for the laughter and joy you have blessed me with. I love you Ash.

Beka- Words don't explain what your friendship means to me. You have so many special friends in your life, you were born to be a friend to many and I am blessed to be one of them. You always know just what I need and how to help me with it. You are such an inspiration to me, I am truly blessed you call you my friend. I look up to you in a spiritual sense, I aspire to be as  obedient to Gods voice as you are. I love you Beka Boo.

Jacinda- My beautiful Jacinda, you are such a breath of fresh air to me. I love that when we are together we can have so much fun but also have some great heart to heart talks. You are just so much fun and a great friend. I enjoy all the time we are able to spend together, and I wish we could hang out more often. You are so real, you don't put on a front for anyone and I love that about you. I love you Cinders.

Tracie- You have always been and always will be my bff. I cannot believe we are both mommy's now. It seems like just yesterday we were squeezed into my twin size bed watching the real world. You are such a joy to my heart and I love you very much. You have become such a great mom and I am so proud of you. I love you T-money. 

Crystal- You are so much more to me than a sister-n-law, you have been such a huge supporter to Ricky and I and I am so grateful to have you in our lives. You are such a hard worker and you give so much to so many people. I am so glad that I finally have the sister I have always wanted. I love you sister Crystal.

Jaime- You are my sunshine ;) You have walked with me though some really tough times and you have shown me true friendship. You are so loyal and dedicated to everyone and I am so blessed to know you. All I need when I am having a rough day is to see you smile. Thank you for being my friend and for being the best first teacher for Leo. I love you Ms. Jaime. 

Sam- You are the newest member of my bff list. Welcome to team Erin! The past year you have been so much more than a co-teacher to me, you have been such a good friend and you are so genuine and honest. Thank you for supporting me and helping me through some difficult times and for loving my boys so much. I will miss you everyday and am forever grateful that we got to know each other so well. I love you Ms. Fragle. 

I believe that God placed each one of you in my life for a reason and I am so grateful for all of you. Thanks for loving me. 

Erin

Memories

I have many wonderful memories of my childhood and I am creating lasting memories everyday with my family. 

But if there was One memory I could wipe from my mind it would be seeing my mom sick. 

My mom made me chicken  noodle soup every time I stayed home sick from school when I was little. She used to let me stay home from school even on the days when she doubted that I was really sick. My favorite part was when I got to go back to sleep for a few hours, then wake up and watch t.v. and she would make me some soup. 

When I had the stomach flu, my mom would put a trash can or old bowl next to my bed. She'd bring in a cool washcloth and run it over my head and then she would sit with me until I fell asleep. 

She stayed home from work and took care of me every time I was sick from birth until age I got married. 

And then she became sick herself.

And there were days when I wanted to sit by her bed and make her toast and tell her to eat slowly, she didn't know what her stomach could handle; to take tiny sips of ginger ale, I used to by her pedialite pops because she could not keep anything down and I worried about her staying hydrated. But she always waved me off and told me to go back to work, to take care of my family. "Ricky and Leo must be missing you" she would tell me. 

I felt SOOOOOO Helpless. And I was. 

I sit her tonight the boys are fast asleep and I ask God WHY? Why couldn't this story end with ... and she beat the cancer and she is fine. 

Why do I have to go through parenting my kids without my moms advice. Why don't I have my mom to call every night when I cant figure out quite what ingredient I am missing. Why will my kids never know their Grandma. Why........

Then I remember the answer to all these questions. I have known it all along. 

Gods plans may not be aligned with our plans. But God plans none the less are perfect. If I could rewrite my moms ending I would, but maybe I don't want to change her story because I don't know what that ending would hold.  

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." -Romans 8:18

"...For  I am convinced that neither death or life, neither angles or demons, neither the present or the future... will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37

Thanksgiving

This holiday season is so bitter sweet for me. It is the first with my precious baby Killian and the first without my mommy. I have been so depressed thinking about what im going to do for Thanksgiving and Christmas without her. I have decided that I am not going to mope around. I am going to remember what I  have to be thankful for.


I am THANKFUL...

• for ny Forever Friends in my life, Tracie, Ashley, Sasha, Beka, Jacinda, Jaime, Katie. We may all be busy with our kids or carrers and our crazy lifes, but I love you girls more than you will ever know.
• for my husband who supports me as struggle to get everything done that I need to get done.(It is not easy to be a  full time mom, teacher and student, I could never do it alone.)
• for my BEAUTIFUL baby boys. (They are my JOY.)
• that one of my kids looks just like me and the other looks just like Ricky.
• that both of my boys are snuggle bugs.
• that I had the best mom in the word for 25 years.
• that there is a heaven so I know I will get to see my mom again some day.
• to have a job I love with great co-workers.
• for my amazing sister-n-law who loves my boys like they are her own.
• for my dad. He is trying to hard to do the things that he knows my mom would have wanted him to do.
• My brother, the gentle giant.
• My Aunts and Uncles.
• that we finally own a house and it is big enough for all of stuff.
• that my sweet Killian is healthy and happy.
• for books. I love to read.
• for the world of the Lord. When I don't know what to do I can always find an answer in the Bible.
• for Leo and Killian. (Did I already mention that?)
• for second chances.

Update on Baby Killian and I.

Well I can honestly say that I am ready to get out of bed. You should see how white I am. YUCK! My legs have lost all tone they once had. My every other day shower privileges tire me out, Wheelchair rides outside are the highlight of my days(When I get them). I know every nurse here by name, I know all of my doctors partners and the names of their kids. I have become friends with the cleaning ladies, the chaplain, the music therapist, dietitian, massage therapist, physical therapist.
THE GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!

I am in my 30th week! We had a sono this week and Killian looked great, growing right on schedule. He weighs 3lbs9oz. He has lots of hair and big feet. He was showing off for me too, playing with his toes. The rupture on my placenta could not be found on the sono, so that was very exciting news.


I did have a little bit of a scare Monday night and into Tuesday. I had contractions all night long every 4 mins. They gave me meds to try and stop them and after several hours they stopped. Before then I was not dilated or effaced at all, after the contractions I was dilated to a 2 and 20% effaced. Luckily the contractions stopped and I did not go into active labor, we are hoping they do not come back. Many people can be dilated to a 2 for several weeks before the labor goes any further.

Killian is still being a warrior and holding on. I cannot wait to get to know this little boy, I feel like we are going to have such a special bond because of all of this. (He is kicking me hard as I type this.) He is way more active than Leo was. Leo did not move around or kick a whole lot, but Killian never stops moving, I don't think he sleeps. Leo is getting excited about having a brother, when he gets here he jumps in my bed and kisses my belly before he kisses me, he says "hi baby brudder, love you baby brudder." it is so sweet. :)

Erin

I will trust in God.

I will not be bitter that I am stuck in this hospital bed, I will choose to be thankful that my baby is growing and doing well. I will use this time to grow closer to God and prepare myself for what my be to come.

I will not be mad that the Lord took my mother, I will be grateful that He blessed be with her in the first place.

I will not be jealous that my husband is getting to spend so much alone time with Leo, I will be happy that my boys are growing closer.

I will not feel sorry for myself that I am being put through this difficult season, I will rejoice that the Lord is holding me and I will except what I have been given.

I will not worry about what could happen to this baby or to me, I will trust that Jesus is in control.

I will trust God even when it hurts. I will accept my portion.

I want to be more like the apostle Paul who said... " I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances... I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation... I can do all things through Him who gives me strengh."

God... is the blessed controller of all things, the king over all kings and the master of all masters. -1 Timothy 6:15

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. -Psalm 16:5

I keep my eyes eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. -Psalm16:8

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Phillippians 4:6,7

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. -Romans 12:12

Erin

I can't beleive she is gone.

I miss my mom so much. I really need her during this time.

My baby shower for Leo.(The same week she started Chemo.)

Just loving being a Grandma.

First time Leo went to Grandmas house and meeting the dogs.

Mom holding Leo at the hospital. This was there first picture.

Mom and her babies.

Mom and I on the 4th of July.

Leos Baptism

Pure Love

Thanksgiving.

Moms 60th B-day

Such a happy day!

celebrating mom retirement.

Singing Christmas Carols.

I love you and miss you so much MOM. I just wish so badly that I talk to you.

Taking it one day at a time...

LIFE............

Is life supposed to be this hard at such a young age???

I know things could be a lot worse, but this is a tough time for me.

I am stuck in the hospital for who knows how long. (maybe through the weekend, maybe until I deliver.)

I know this is where I need to be though, I know that when I finally get to hold this precious baby boy it will all be worth it.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;" -Psalm 92:4

I am praying for a turn around, I want to be able to go home and enjoy the rest of this pregnancy, enjoy the time I have with Leo as my only child. I know things are not in my control, I have learned that by now, but I am hopeful that this will all be over soon.

I have only been here three days but I miss my little boy sooooo much. He was so sweet when he came to visit me today. He is just so grown up all of a sudden. Last Friday was his big 2 year old birthday I will post pictures soon.

What I am looking forward to...

Going home.
Meeting baby Killian (but not too soon)
Date night OUT with my Hubby.
Reading the new books my dad just brought me.
Taking Leo to the park.
Going back to work and seeing my kids and friends.
Being able to GET OUT OF BED!!!!!!!
Going back to school.
Growing closer to God in this alone time I have with Him.
Getting to go back to church.

My friend Julia just stopped by the hospital and brought me a little gift. :) It made m
y heart happy!!!! And now my hubby is here and we are going to watch American Idol.